


We Break And We Make Our Mistakes

by allonsy_gabriel



Series: History Obliterates (the Hamilton Reincarnation AU No One Wanted) [29]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, And Thomas is Sick of It, Conversations That Needed To Happen, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Even Though They Hurt, Everyone is Mad, F/M, James is Very Concerned at All Times, M/M, Not Happy, Overprotective, Poor Aaron Burr, Poor Thomas, Theodosia is... Amazing, Unresolved Tension, as in My emotions hurt, he's doing his best, relationship drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-04 23:38:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12782121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allonsy_gabriel/pseuds/allonsy_gabriel
Summary: “I'm fine, James!”The words hung in the air like they were suspended by wires, stuck there with the dust and the pollen and the breath coming from James’ mouth.The park was silent for a moment before the quiet was crushed under the sound of crackling leaves, a triplet of crunch crunch-crunch, crunch crunch-crunch.Cane, foot-foot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> whooooooooooooo boy  
> i dunno what this is  
> but it's Here

“I'm  _ fine _ , James!”

The words hung in the air like they were suspended by wires, stuck there with the dust and the pollen and the breath coming from James’ mouth.

The park was silent for a moment before the quiet was crushed under the sound of crackling leaves, a triplet of  _ crunch crunch-crunch, crunch crunch-crunch _ .

Cane, foot-foot.

“Parker--”

“I'm not  _ incompetent _ , James,” Parker snapped. “And I'm not an idiot. I’m a fucking  _ genius _ . I've been taking care of myself since I was ten, and I took care of myself quite well for a long while before that, in case you've forgotten.”

James was so caught up in the sting of Parker’s words, he almost missed the way the man's hand was trembling against the handle of his cane.

Almost. 

James didn't respond, however. The dead leaves beneath his feet would give away any attempts he made at getting closer, and due to the nature of their current position, James knew  _ closer  _ wasn't something Parker would handle well.

Instead, he watched as Parker continued to make his way across the grass, his hand always shaking.

James didn't blame Parker for these things, even though he probably should have, to some extent. Yes, Parker had gone through a traumatic event, and yes, exceptions could be made due to circumstances.

James knew that didn't give Parker the right to do  _ this _ , to toy with his emotions and leave him in Limbo, feeling like a modern-day Tantalus. He simply couldn't find it within him to  _ care _ .

Because this was  _ Parker _ , and James knew that, whatever may happen, he would be with Parker forever.

For better or fucking worse.

“You're not Superman,” James called out. He knew it was stupid, knew he wasn't doing anything but making the situation worse, but he couldn't just stand there and  _ watch. _ “You're not Superman, and you're not God, and you're not infallible. You're smart, but you're not  _ omnipotent _ , and despite whatever romantic notions you may carry in that godforsaken head of yours, you're not some miserable lone wolf. You're a  _ human being _ , just like everybody else, even if you  _ do  _ have some desperate old God complex and an ego the size of Jupiter!

“You need help, and not because you need a cane to walk! You need help because  _ humans need help _ , and you're a fucking human!”

James watched as Parker spun around to face him, fury in his eyes. He watched as Parker’s ever-shaking hand lost its grip on his cane. He watched the absolute panic on Parker’s face as he lost his balance and went tumbling down, a look of pain on his face as he hit the ground.

James ran.

“Shit, shit, Parker!” he muttered as he scrambled to help his boyfriend to his feet, fervently looking him over for injuries.

Parker shoved him away, stumbling as he used his cane to steady himself. He looked at James with such  _ anger _ , such  _ disdain  _ and  _ resentment _ , that James had to take a step back. “I am  _ fine _ ,” he spat. “Of all the people to worry and fuss over me like a clingy mother hen, I would’ve have expected  _ you _ . I expected you to understand. Of  _ all people _ , I expected  _ you _ to understand.”

“What are you  _ talking about _ ?” James shouted. “You always say shit like that, but you never explain what the hell you mean!  _ Of course _ , I’m going to worry about you,  _ I love you _ !”

“I’m tired people wearing their child gloves with me, treating me like I’m made of fucking glass, like I’ll shatter if I stub my fucking toe! The accident was three damn years ago, James! I’m in  _ college _ ! I’m an  _ adult _ ! I’ve been through a whole damn lot, and I sure as hell don’t need babying  _ now _ . If people wanted to catch me when shit like this bothered me, they should’ve done it when I was thirteen, not nineteen!” Parker yelled. “ _ You  _ should get it! How many letters did you write me about how damn irritating it was for people underestimate you just because you got sick a lot? How many rants did I sit through because ‘ _ Goddamn it Thomas, I’m not an invalid _ !’?”

Parker was red in the face, his knuckles white against his cane, his jeans stained with grass and dirt from his fall, and his hair full of leaves. James could do nothing but stare.

“What? No rebuttal? Nothing?” Parker snapped.

“I-I’m sorry--”

“ _ I don’t want ‘sorry’ _ ,” Parker hissed. “I don’t want  _ pity _ or  _ sympathy _ . I want you to  _ trust me _ , and trust that if I need you, I’ll fucking ask.”

“But you  _ won’t _ !” James argued. “You and your goddamn pride, you  _ won’t _ \--”

“ _ My  _ pride?!”

“ _ Yes _ , your pride! You’ve changed a  _ whole fucking lot _ since 1826, but one thing that  _ hasn’t _ changed? Your fucking  _ insurmountable ego _ !” James pointed out. “For all your ravings about Alexander’s arrogance, your head is so fucking big, I’m surprised you can fit through a fucking door! Still can’t accept that you’re a human, can you? Not some god among men.”

James noticed Parker flinching away from his words, but for once, he didn’t stop. “I thought you didn’t want the kiddie gloves, huh?” he sneered. “You want the real world? Here it fucking is! You’re  _ Thomas Jefferson _ , you’ve  _ fucked up big time _ , you’re  _ not special _ , and  _ you’re fucking disabled _ .” James stared in sick satisfaction at the look of horror on Parker’s face. “Not so fucking great, huh?”

Parker stood silent for another moment before dusting off his coat, rolling his shoulders, and pulling himself up to his full height. In that moment, he  _ was _ Thomas Jefferson, all haughty disposition and contempt.

James barely noticed the miniscule grimace that danced across his face as he shifted some of his weight to his bad leg.

“I’m not looking for  _ great _ ,” he snarled. “I’m looking for  _ real _ .”

He didn’t even give James chance to respond, pushing past him and on towards the street.

For once, James didn’t follow.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker goes to see Daniel in search of help; he get's help from someone else, instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whooooooooooooo  
> this is  
> painful  
> enjoy

When Daniel opened the door at 2:30 on a Tuesday, he was expecting a salesman or a Jehovah’s Witness or something, not  _ Parker _ , covered in leaves and dirt and leaning against the wall with only his cane in hand.

“Did you  _ walk  _ all the way here?” Daniel asked, quickly ushering the younger man inside.

Parker rolled his eyes. “No,” he replied. “Why the fuck would I do that when there’s a perfectly good subway?”

Daniel didn’t really know what to say, so he went with what he figured was the safest topic.

“How’s James?”

“He’s  _ fine _ ,” Parker spat.

_ Wrong thing _ .

Daniel scratched the back of his head. “Okay,” he said, mostly to fill the silence. “Do you want me to call Alex or something?”

“If I wanted to talk to Alexander I would’ve gone to his place,” Parker shot back.

“What do you want to talk about then?” Daniel asked, taking a seat next to Parker on the couch.

For a moment, Parker was quiet, resting his head on the back of Daniel’s couch and scratching at the faint stubble on his chin. Then he spoke.

“How’d you do it?” he asked, turning to face Daniel. “Or, how  _ are _ you doing it? You’re  _ here _ , in the middle of all of us, and you’re still… Doddie calls you  _ Aaron _ for fuck’s sake! Alexander calls you Burr as often as Barnes! You-you  _ hated  _ it. I know you did! How do you just  _ let it happen _ ?”

Daniel knew his mouth was probably hanging open for a moment, but he gathered himself before it was too noticeable (hopefully). He took a second to think, knowing the sheer  _ weight _ his words carried, especially for Parker, before he spoke. “Doddie helped,” he admitted. “Alexander did too. They were just…  _ there _ . And they  _ forgave me _ . They convinced me--well,  _ mostly _ convinced me--that I  _ wasn’t _ a bad person, I just made mistakes. I made mistakes, but other people made just as many mistakes, and I wasn’t any worse than they were.”

“But I  _ was _ a bad person!” Parker argued. “I  _ was _ ! What I did… you can’t  _ forgive  _ that! Nobody  _ made a mistake _ that even somewhat justified my actions! I just saw it as my  _ right _ , which makes it  _ even worse _ \--”

“Parker,  _ breathe _ ,” Daniel cut in, sensing the inevitable spiral of such thoughts. He’d seen it many times with Alexander--fuck, he’d seen it in the  _ mirror _ . “Slow down.”

“I  _ can’t _ \--”

“I don’t believe you,” Daniel countered. “Slow.  _ Down _ .”

Parker glared at him as he took a deep breath, clenching and unclenching his fists. Once he seemed relatively calm, Daniel continued. “Why now?” he asked.

“ _ What _ ?”

“Why are you asking about this  _ now _ ?” Daniel pressed. “We’ve known each other for about three years now, Parker. Why haven’t you asked before?”

“I never thought to--”

“Then why did you think to  _ now _ ? Why are you  _ here _ , Parker?” Daniel demanded to know.

Parker glowered at him. “What are you, a therapist or something?” he asked. “Gonna ask me how all of this makes me feel next?”

Daniel shrugged. “Or don’t answer me. Either way,” he said, projecting an air of apathy. “Doddie will be back at around four, she had an interview with some online news company. I think she’s bringing back Italian. Oh, and Libby and Clea should be over at around eleven tomorrow if you’ll still be here.”

The look of confusion on Parker’s face left Daniel smiling. “And, if you decide you  _ do _ want to talk, I’ll be in the office,” he finished before pushing himself off the couch.

OoOoO

Parker stared at the ceiling for what felt like  _ hours _ , doing his best to ignore the pain in his leg.

Doing his best to keep his mind off of James.

_ God _ , what had  _ happened _ ?

Parker didn’t want to think about it. Didn’t want to think about the angry, disappointed look on James’ face, the cruel joy that had painted his features every time Parker had flinched--

_ No _ .

“Daniel, babe, I’m ho--Parker?” Doddie asked as she walked through the door, arms laden with Italian food.

“Hi, Doddie,” Parker mumbled, trying not to sound as pathetic and miserable as he felt.

He was pretty sure he’d failed.

“You okay?” Doddie asked, sitting down next to parker on the couch.

“Yeah, yeah,” Parker replied hastily, rolling his shoulders and popping his neck. “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.”

“Is James here?”

Parker forced himself to smile. “No,” he said, “‘S just me, this time. I needed to talk to Daniel.”

“Where  _ is _ Aaron?” Doddie asked. There it was  _ again _ . Proof that Daniel was getting better, would  _ be  _ better, while Parker could  _ never _ get there.

“The office, I think.”

Doddie cast a fleeting direction of the office before turning back to Parker. “Does he seem okay today?” she asked quietly, and Parker tilted his head in confusion.

“Yes?” he replied, posing it more as a question of his own than as an answer. “Why would he  _ not _ seem okay?”

“It’s nothing, really,” Doddie rushed to say. “Nothing, like, having to do with all of us. Just family stuff.”

Parker bit his lip. “Oh.”

Doddie laughed and scratched the back of her head. “You had a fight with James,” she said after a moment of silence.

Parker scoffed.

“You’re a lot of things, Parker, but subtle isn’t one of them,” Doddie said softly.

“How do you know it was with James?” Parker snapped.

“Because you’re here,” Doddie replied easily. “I don’t know why, exactly--I do have some ideas, though--but I know it had to be  _ something _ .”

Parker nodded. It was  _ something _ , alright.

“Did he bring up Jefferson?” Doddie asked, somehow gentle in her bluntness.

Parker nodded again, fighting back the lump that was forming in his throat.

Doddie sighed and pulled Parker close to her chest. “I’d thought so,” she admitted and she embraced him. “I don’t know why he said that, but it wasn’t justified.”

“Bu--”

“Nope,” Doddie cut him off. “You never--and I mean  _ never _ \--should have something like that thrown in your face, you hear me? And if he does it again, I want you to… well, not  _ hit _ him, but definitely chew him a new one, James Madison or not, understand?”

“I can’t!” Parker protested, “It’s  _ James _ ! He’s--he’s all I’ve  _ got _ ! He’s the only one--”

“Shush,” Doddie ordered. “That right there? That is  _ dangerous territory _ . The whole ‘he’s the only one who’ll love him’ bullshit? It’s nothing but toxic fuckery.”

There was a look in Doddie’s eyes that seemed  _ oddly familiar _ to Parker, and in that moment, he realized just how  _ little _ he knew about her.

And they’d always said  _ Daniel _ was the cagey Burr.

Or, maybe he  _ was _ , and Doddie had just never been asked.

“What happened?” Parker asked. “What--did someone do something to you, or..?”

Doddie huffed, shaking her head for a minute. “His name was Michael, and he was a dick,” she said as a way of explanation. “He never  _ did _ anything, y’know? Not like with Alexander or Hercules or anything, none of  _ that _ , but… He wasn’t exactly Prince Charming.”

She stopped, but Parker gestured for her to go on.

“I had an eating disorder,” Doddie admitted finally. “And he used it against me. He wasn’t  _ trying  _ to be an asshole, at least I don’t  _ think _ he was, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior. He’d tell me I needed him, that he could  _ fix _ me, that I  _ had _ to be with him because he’d ‘loved’ me when no one else would. Point is, I know what that shit is like, and I know that’s  _ exactly _ what it is.  _ Shit _ .”

Parker simply stared at her for a moment, biting his bottom lip. “But I love him,” he protested, “I can’t--I  _ couldn’t _ \-- _ he loves me _ . He’s not trying…”

“He’s not trying to be an asshole?” Doddie prompted. Parker felt himself blush.

“It’s not like he does this a lot,” he argued, “This is the first time--”

“I’m not saying dump him  _ right now _ ,” Doddie cut in, “I’m saying maybe give yourself some space, just for a while. There are roughly fifteen people who would let you crash on their couches, possibly indefinitely. If you need time to  _ think _ , take it.”

OoOoO

“Did he talk?” Daniel asked as Theodosia crawled into bed that night. “I know--I know you guys talked when you got home. Did he say anything?”

Doddie sighed and rested her head on his chest. “James said some things,” she whispered. “Parker said this was the first time, but I’m still worried. Told him they might need to take a break.”

Daniel hummed and ran his fingers through Doddie’s hair.

“What about you?” she asked. “Your dad call?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“Drew still isn’t talking to him, Dad’s still pissed, I’m still playing the middle,” Daniel replied.

“ _ And _ ?”

“And what?” Daniel asked.

Doddie rolled over to look him in the eyes. “Aaron, at some point you’re going to have to do something other than smile and nod. Your father is threatening to disown your brother, you’ve got to take a stand--”

“Theodosia, the last time I ‘took a stand’, someone  _ died _ ,” Daniel snapped.

“No,” Doddie countered, “The last time you took a stand, you saved Alexander from getting beaten to a fucking pulp by a drunk dude in fucking  _ crime alley _ like some DC superhero.”

“That wasn’t my  _ dad _ \--”

“Which makes this more important! Just  _ think about it _ , okay? Let it rattle around in that big head of yours,” Doddie said finally, before kissing Daniel’s cheek. “Goodnight.”

“I love you,” Daniel replied.

“I love you too.”

Doddie nestled herself into her boyfriend’s arms as Daniel turned off the lamp.

Meanwhile, on the couch, Parker sat in silence, unable to stop thinking about Doddie’s words long enough to fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> pleasedon'tkillmeyet  
> i swear they make up  
> they're'll be another chapter
> 
> tell me what you think??????


End file.
